The only word I can think of to describe this is 'ordeal'.
This for me was the big one. I've never managed to listen to an entire Metallica album before. I gave The Black Album a go and I quite like 'Enter Sandman' but the music and lyrics I find to be utterly ridiculous. It can't be listened to with a straight face. For me the worse thing about these lumbering behemoths of metal are the affected growling of singer James Hetfield. The guttural noises that come from this redneck's goaty bearded ginger-chops just make me laugh. Do you remember when Vic & Bob used to sing in 'a pub singer style' on Shooting Stars? Well Hetfield has clearly based his delivery of his angsty GCSE level lyrics on them.
The signs for DEATH MAGNETIC were good though. Great reviews. Produced by Rick Rubin. Excellent album artwork. Now is surely the time to pop my Metallica cherry.
The opening bars of first track 'That Was Just Your Life' are epic and it builds quite excitingly. Maybe this could work out.
But then it just doesn't stop for seven long minutes. Next track, 'The End of the Line' eight dull minutes. And so on and so on and so on. Seventy-five torturous minutes of painful metallic diahorrea later and the technically brilliant but utterly dull guitar solos, drum solos and silly growling come to an end. Thankfully.
The music isn't totally awful. They are incredible musicians. But they are so belligerent and oafish in their delivery that I just turn off. With every singe track Metallica bash you around the head with an endless barrage of dumb heavy metal riffs. Every track bar one around seven minute mark or longer. Someone really needs to explain to them that brevity is not a bad thing and that the contrast of heavy/light could actually make for a more diverse and interesting record. I don't know, maybe I'm missing the point of Metallica. Maybe they realise want a bunch of lumpen stodge this all is and I'm just not in on the Spinal Tap joke.
The best two tracks are 'Cyanide' and 'All Nightmare Long'.
Ultimately I have to come to the realisation that I HATE METALLICA. It's stupid lumbering meathead music that we all should have grown out of around the time we stopped getting zits and put away our Games Workshop lead miniatures. It's humourless, poo-faced and tedious with lead singer with the most absurdly affected voice. And a stupid beard.
Trust your first impressions.
CYANIDE
ALL NIGHTMARE LONG
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